What do you do if you feel abandoned by Spirit; when life throws so many hurdles in your path that you can’t believe it’s possible for you to get past them safely; when you ask “Why” a million times and can’t figure out an answer? Many of us have been there. Here’s my experience:
A little over a year ago, I was on a roll with my career. I was finally doing what I wanted to do – reaching people around the world who needed help and support for healing. I felt so happy that all of my hard work was paying off. The struggles that my son and I had gone through with our health were justified as I was able to pass on the wisdom I’d gained from our experiences with our recovery and through my education in natural health. And then, in an instant, I slammed on the brakes, because I discovered that I had a serious, undiagnosed health condition that had been completely out of my awareness. I was utterly shocked to realize that the strange symptoms I’d been experiencing for a few years actually had a connection to an actual disease, and that neither I, nor any other healer or intuitive that I knew had picked up on the fact that I had developed type 1 diabetes.
It was early December and I awoke in the middle of the night with a strange burning sensation in my feet. I did some energy clearing/healing work and went back to sleep. But the next night, it happened again. Was it some kind of message from Spirit that was trying to get my attention? I listened, but heard nothing. In the morning, I went to my computer and googled “burning pins and needles in feet.” I immediately scoffed when I saw the word "diabetes" pop up in connection to neuropathy, because all I knew about diabetes was that it was a disease connected to lifestyle and diet issues. I had no education about type 1 and that it's an autoimmune disease. However, I was concerned about the pain, so I took the time to further research. To my dismay, I saw a list of every one of the strange symptoms I’d been experiencing for the last few years: Extreme, never-ending hunger and thirst, frequent urination, blurry vision, unexplained and uncontrollable weight loss, genital burning and pain, fatigue, crankiness, nausea and headaches, and the newest one, neuropathy.
Oh my god, do I have diabetes?
There was only one way to find out. I rushed out and bought a glucometer and some test strips. With a prick of my finger and one drop of blood, I had my answer. Yes, I certainly did. My blood glucose level was over 350. That was with the organic diet I followed, which included no sugar, no grains, and no dairy. A test of the average glucose in my blood over the last three months confirmed my diagnosis: My A1c was 12.4 percent – extremely dangerous and very high.
In the weeks and months that followed, as I struggled to gain control of my blood sugar and to begin healing my body from the complications of the disease, I felt a strong loss of my sense of spiritual faith. As I brought my blood glucose levels down, the pain in my feet escalated to an unbearable level and I couldn't walk, stand, sit, lie down, or sleep without feeling it - it was absolutely torturous. Of course, I was upset about the disease and the pain, but my feeling of spiritual abandonment stemmed from the fact that the development of it went unnoticed by myself and everyone else in my life. LADA (Latent Autoimmune Diabetes of Adulthood) develops over time. My symptoms were obvious, if only I or anyone I was connected to had recognized them. I felt lost, afraid, and definitely abandoned by The Light. I put on the parking break to my work as a lightworker for others and put all of my effort into getting my health under control.
Even throughout the emotional and physical pain I was going through, I knew that Spirit had not really abandoned me. In retrospect, I think there were several times throughout the last several years when I was likely in diabetic ketoacidosis (DKA), a potentially fatal situation that occurs from having high blood glucose levels. I never wanted to go to the emergency room when I was vomiting and feeling horrible (symptoms of DKA), so I’d pray and ask for healing and use every bit of my knowledge of how to do energy healing to work on myself. After the first few times it happened, I received strong intuitive guidance to stop following a high carb, vegan diet (a type 1 diabetic produces no insulin to process glucose from carbohydrates). So when I was finally diagnosed, although I felt that I had needlessly suffered for several years, I knew that I had also been taken care of. And yet, I didn’t feel ready to come back to the lightwork I had been doing because I wasn’t completely at peace with what had happened. Actually, I was really angry.
As most of us know, there’s no point in asking a why question because we don’t get the answers we’re looking for. When we ask “Why,” the answer is “Because.” Just because. But, when I asked, “What do I need to know about this experience that I can use to help other people?” Well, the answers were very obvious. In fact, I made a whole website to share the information that I never would have had if I hadn’t gone through this experience at all: www.healthydiabetescontrol.com
To add insult to injury, I went back to working full time in my previous career as a music teacher so that I would have health insurance to pay for all of my diabetes supplies. It wasn't an easy task as I was still dealing with the intense neuropathy pain. However, thanks to some tight compression stockings (thank you, my Guidance!), I was able to walk and stand and even sleep at night. About a month into the fall semester, I developed a chronic cough, which eventually led to the loss of my voice. After 2 ½ months of coughing, at my persistent urging, the administrator opened the vents in my classroom and discovered that they were filled with black mold and that the air filter hadn't been changed for at least a year. Now, I was dealing with missing my beloved career as a writer, speaker, and healer, dealing with the roller-coaster of type 1 blood sugar issues, and sick from a hypersensitive reaction to the black mold, dust, and VOCs in my classroom where I'd been spending 9 hours a day for the last 4 months.
I felt that familiar sense of spiritual abandonment returning even stronger. I was extremely depressed. By this time, my voice had really suffered and I could barely talk and I couldn't sing at all (I adore singing), which made it impossible to be a music teacher. I didn’t even pose the why question; I knew that there wouldn’t be an answer. I asked for guidance about what to do to help myself to recover. I began doing physical detoxification, and after two weeks of being away from the school (it was winter break), I started to regain my ability to talk and the coughing began to lessen. I knew that I couldn't return to that toxic environment. Heartbroken to leave my students, I resigned from my job. Two days later, I woke up with an intuitive clarity that I hadn’t felt for a year: I was being given a new energy technology for clearing the root cause of autoimmune diseases and allergies. My intuition was back on. My health was improving. My emotional state was uplifted. I was ready to come back to life.
My message, as always, is this: Never give up. Don’t give up on Spirit, and don’t give up on your body’s ability to heal itself. And remember, you are Spirit, so don’t give up on yourself. You’re important, and you’re needed on this planet to bring light here. I’m grateful to my husband, my son, and my dear friends for reminding me of all of these truths, especially when I felt so lost and spiritually alone. I made it through the worst part, and I’m going to keep going forward with all of my might to be my light here and do what I came here to do.
I want to share some music with you that I listened to every single day throughout my year of healing. It's from the 2017 Tony Award winning musical, Dear Evan Hansen, and it's called "You Will Be Found." It always lifts me up and makes me remember that even when the pain and the struggle seem to be too much to bear, I am never, ever abandoned. I have to keep my head up and push through the darkness until I feel the light again, but that doesn't mean that the light wasn't with me all along, guiding me through those dark moments.